Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You

When Should I Get My Kid a Smartphone?

Deciding when to grant your child the coveted keys to the digital kingdom is a deeply personal choice influenced by a multitude of factors, ranging from age and maturity level to the unique needs and circumstances of your own family. But how can you determine the right time for your child to step into the realm of smartphones? And if you do take the leap, what rules and boundaries should you establish? In this episode, we delve into the intricate landscape of parental decision-making regarding smartphones. We dissect the ins and outs of parental control mechanisms, explore effective strategies to maintain a healthy balance of freedom and guidance in this digital age, and discuss how to cultivate a broader sense of responsibility. Through insightful research and expert opinions, we shed light on how social connections can flourish beyond the screen, emphasizing the significance of offline interactions and cultivating a well-rounded social foundation. Discover practical tips and actionable strategies to help navigate the smartphone conundrum with confidence, ensuring your child's digital journey is positive and balanced. Tune in now!
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:01:20] Outline of today’s topic and what listeners can expect.
[0:02:38] Whether other parents establish rules for using devices.
[0:03:35] How many hours kids generally spend on their smart devices.
[0:05:24] We unpack when it is appropriate to give your child a smartphone.
[0:08:00] Insights from an interesting study on the topic.
[0:08:58] Being honest about why your child wants a cellphone.
[0:11:00] Factors to consider when evaluating your child’s readiness for a cellphone.
[0:13:58] How to assess your child’s maturity effectively.
[0:19:03] The obvious signs that your child should not have access to a cellphone.
[0:22:15] Examples of rules that parents can implement regarding smart devices.
[0:27:10] An overview of the negative impacts a cellphone may have on your child.
[0:30:25] Hear how parents can set an example for responsible cellphone use.
[0:32:35] Overview of the pros and cons of parental controls.
[0:33:40] Important conversations parents should be having with kids.
[0:35:50] Why is it vital that your child understands what goes on the internet stays forever.
[0:40:25] A helpful resource you can leverage as a parent.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Common Sense Media 
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram

Reflections On This Year’s Admissions Cycle

If it were just that simple — ticking the boxes and doing “the right things”  — we would package it up and sell it (for a helluva lot of money). But it’s not. To be a competitive option for college admissions, your kids must do the hard stuff, get out of their comfort zone, develop themselves personally, and do difficult things (things they don’t necessarily want to do!) Today we eagerly share our thoughts and reflections on the 2022 admissions cycle. We won’t be offering facts and figures, instead, we offer you what we saw with the group of students, and their families, that we worked with this year last year. We touch on trends, themes, and takeaways that continue to be true. Join us as we get into it. 
 
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Novia
Maia Learning
Arthur Brooks
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram

No One’s Getting into Stanford, So Do This Instead

In the wake of the dreaded college admissions results, and considering their three percent admission rate, we want to tell parents to stop putting their eggs in those baskets and focus on what comes after college! Today, we will drop a few truth bombs about the difficulties of getting into prestigious colleges and why it is not the end of the world if your teenagers don’t. Tuning in, you’ll hear all about why you need to encourage your children to think beyond college, mistakes parents make in their lack of objectivity during this process as well as not developing with the times, and why there needs to be a mindset shift around college and success in general. Teenagers often feel very despondent and demotivated when they don’t get the news they want when college admissions are announced and in this episode, we delve into how that feeling of failure can be avoided and managed before discussing the dangers of forcing your child into a narrow definition of success. Lastly, we explain why we are so inspired by teenagers who have experienced real hardship and why we all need a little bit of perspective. So to find out what to do when your child doesn’t get into the college of their choice and to get a bit of insight into the importance of having conversations around values, tune in now!
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:01:23] The importance of teaching teens to think beyond merely just getting into college. 
[0:03:52] Where our opinions on this subject come from; belief/ideology and education.
[0:04:51] Why the reality of the admissions is hard for parents to grasp and why they aren’t objective.
[0:06:03] The dangers of treating college applications the same as parents did their own.
[0:08:01] Why we need to change our mindset about college and the definition of success.
[0:15:03] How to avoid the feeling of failure when a teen doesn’t get the college news they want.
[0:15:55] Why forcing your child into a narrow definition of success is detrimental.
[0:24:34] Why we should highlight those who have struggled as models for success.
[0:25:09] What this comes down to and how to move the focus from achievement: values. 
[0:30:40] A reminder to parents to get perspective and to prepare their teenagers for life better.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Stanford University
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram

Am I Putting Too Much Pressure On My Kid?

Buckle up people, we’ve got another exciting episode for you! Today, we are talking about pressure versus expectation. A question often brought up by parents in our coaching sessions is, “Am I putting too much pressure on my kid?” Join us as we dive into a discussion about the tension between applying pressure versus expectation, and what that looks like. We go through a few real-life scenarios of parents and children and talk about some important points behind the motivation of the pressure. Then, we delve into the importance of encouragement and setting healthy expectations, how it may actually be beneficial to your kid, and why it’s important that parents incorporate mindfulness, self-reflection, and revisiting in their parenting. If you want to learn more about whether it’s a lack of your child’s willpower or maybe some deeper issues, tune in for some great advice. And remember, be easy and gentle with yourselves, parents, as you walk the tightrope between pressure and healthy expectations, and remember, it’s okay to make mistakes. 
 
Key Points From This Episode:
 
[0:00:54] An introduction to our topic for today.
[0:02:00] A question parents often ask regarding pressure!
[0:02:30] The quadrant chart for applying pressure.
[0:05:00] Thoughts on the scenario Cathy shares regarding pressure.
[0:06:30] We question the different motivations behind “applying pressure”.
[0:08:20] Meredith shares a situation from her coaching.
[0:10:00] Encouragement versus pressure.
[0:11:08] Discerning when to encourage your children.
[0:11:40] Why the frame [of the pressure] is important.
[0:12:35] What bugs Meredith about the concept of parental pressure.
[0:14:40] Why parental expectation might actually be beneficial for children.
[0:17:45] What secure attachment in adolescence looks like: attainment.
[0:19:20] When family values can become a guide for children.
[0:20:30] The importance of mindfulness, self-reflection, and revisiting in parenting.
[0:24:10] Exploring the trust piece and why it’s key when working with teenagers.
[0:24:30] Cathy shares another scenario from her coaching regarding parental pressure.
[0:27:25] What research shows about pressure combined with zero agency.
[0:28:20] Meredith shares her thoughts on Cathy’s second scenario.
[0:31:10] Cathy’s suggestion to the parents of the second scenario.
[0:33:40] Finding intermediary steps in the scenario.
[0:35:20] Tips on managing stress and anxiety (as it relates).
[0:35:40] How culture can play a role in certain situations.
[0:37:00] Meredith shares another scenario; therapy and culture. 
[0:40:30] Too much pressure and not enough clarity around expectations.
[0:41:07] Why it’s important for parents to have, and seek out, support around them.
[0:45:00] Why bringing compassion is so important, to everyone.
[0:45:15] Keep your eye on the long-term prize, it’s not a straight line.
[0:46:55] Meredith shares an interesting article about meaning and purpose.
[0:48:36] The big takeaway from today.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
'How Smart People Can Stop Being Miserable'
Man's Search For Meaning
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram

What’s the College Admissions Process Like For a Parent?

College admissions are right around the corner, so today we have invited a special guest (and one of our favorite parents) to talk about her experience of supporting her kids through the process. Margot has a daughter who is happily attending college after much anxiety, and a son who is in the thick of the admissions process. In this episode, she compares her two children’s respective college processes and shares advice for parenting two drastically different individuals. We talk about how one’s college process does not define them and how to gently impart that belief system to high-achieving kids. Margot opens up about how she supports her kids through hardships and disappointments and shares her profound takeaways from her daughter’s admissions process about our societal career trajectory as a whole. Tune in to find out, from a parent’s perspective, how (and why) to demonstrate confidence in your kid, and where the focus should lie ahead of college decisions.
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:00:51] Introducing one of our favorite parents, Margot.
[0:02:27] Today’s topic: the college admissions process from a parent’s perspective.
[0:02:44] The atmosphere at home ahead of the college process.
[0:03:36] Margot compares her two children’s respective college admissions processes.
[0:05:28] Her advice for parents whose kids feel their college process defines them.
[0:07:08] The challenge for high-achieving kids aiming for colleges with a high rejection rate.
[0:09:17] How Margot supports her kids through hardships and disappointments.
[0:14:04] The challenge of raising two very different kids.
[0:16:33] Why it’s important to demonstrate confidence in your teen’s ability.
[0:21:44] Margot’s profound takeaways from her daughter’s college process.
[0:28:00] The options available outside of the traditional education path.
[0:29:32] The important questions to ask kids ahead of college decisions.
[0:33:23] Pressure versus expectation.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram

Things That Make Us Go EW

In the world of college admissions, there are countless things that make us go “ew” and today, we want to share them with you! We don’t want your kid to fall prey to same-kid syndrome and have admissions counselors rolling their eyes at their resume. In this episode, we share our views on service trips abroad, expensive leadership programs, internships, research programs, and more. We share examples of true value add experiences and the circumstances that warrant an exception to our stance on the above-mentioned endeavors. Tune in as we unpack our admissions-related aversions, and find out how your kid can make an impression as a happy consequence of pursuing meaningful experiences!
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:01:44] Introducing today’s topic: college admissions “icks”.
[0:03:49] What you’ll learn from this episode.
[0:04:19] Why we don’t endorse service trips abroad.
[0:06:30] The circumstances that warrant an exception to our stance on service trips.
[0:09:05] Our stance on leadership conferences and expensive programs.
[0:11:30] Dos and don’ts when it comes to internships.
[0:17:46] Examples of value add experiences.
[0:20:05] Our view on research programs for high school kids.
[0:24:27] The mental health risk of over-achieving.
[0:26:12] The importance of critical thinking when it comes to college application prep!
[0:27:17] How to avoid the same-kid syndrome.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Race to Nowhere
Excellent Sheep
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram

Why is My Teen Mean To Me

The teenage years are a turbulent time defined by a need to test boundaries and establish an identity. And this can get pretty messy at times. Most parents of teenagers will know that they can often become snarky, mean, or even hostile. But sometimes it can be difficult to tell whether their behavior is normal, and when there should be cause for concern. Today on the show, we talk about the many ways that teenagers can be mean, the myriad of reasons behind this behavior, and how to deal with these situations as a parent. We discuss the importance of standing up for yourself, how your actions (and reactions) model behavior for your child, and how to de-escalate a tense situation and return to it when at a more neutral time. Our conversation also covers how you might be hurt by your child’s words and actions, the importance of being vulnerable with adolescents, and how to teach your child that apologizing does not absolve them of consequences. Today’s episode is filled with helpful insights on a complicated subject, and there is no shortage of funny anecdotes and heartfelt reminders that you are not alone in this!
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:01:17] The question we’re exploring today: Why are teenagers mean to their parents?
[0:02:09] How teenagers are wired to test their boundaries and why this can result in mean behavior.
[0:03:49] The trial and error that happens during adolescence.
[0:05:22] Some of the ways that teenagers act out when their basic needs aren’t being met.
[0:06:36] Recognizing when teenagers are mean due to other external factors in their life.
[0:08:43] Why parents can take comfort in the fact that teenagers acting out around them is a sign that they feel safe with you.
[0:09:55] Standing up for yourself and setting a good example for your child.
[0:13:39] How to recognize when your child may need intervention for their behavior.
[0:15:20] Learning how to de-escalate situations and conversations with your teenager.
[0:18:52] Advice on the steps you should take when you need to intervene with your child’s behavior.
[0:20:55] How to step out from an upsetting conversation and return to it at a neutral time.
[0:22:13] The value of using non-violent communication.
[0:23:09] What it means for adults to be vulnerable with young people.
[0:24:51] Teaching your child that apologizing does not absolve them of consequences.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram

College Counseling 201: Stuff Your School Doesn’t Always Tell You

College counseling and the college process can be daunting as a parent to a teenager. So what are the things you need to know as you begin to prepare to send your kid off to college? In this episode, we dive into what you won’t get in your hour-long junior college counseling meeting! Cathy and Meredith take us through the importance of being well-versed in context. How context plays a role in the college selection and admissions process and why you need to take both the volume of applicants and the competitive nature of admissions into account. We drop some truth bombs, talk about different admission software, and take a dip into course selection and extracurricular truths. This episode is jam-packed, so buckle up! It’s also so important to take heart, and recognize that there are thousands of four-year institutions in this country at different levels of selectivity and that you need to fit your kid into where they will be successful — where they feel they can thrive academically, emotionally, and socially. Don’t forget that there are a lot of really wonderful options out there!
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:01:28] An introduction to our topic for today’s episode.
[0:03:20] Stuff to know about the college process.
[0:03:35] The importance of knowing context.
[0:04:44] The role context plays in your list of schools.
[0:05:20] We talk about the appreciation of the volume of students applying.
[0:06:00] The appreciation of the competitive nature of different schools.
[0:07:45] Meredith drops a grade-related truth bomb.
[0:08:32] Why it can be helpful to ask about grades/GPA/admission history.
[0:09:08] Software parents might not be aware of used by high schools (for context).
[0:10:30] Data is available, publicly, for context.
[0:11:11] Course selection; what’s expected and what’s important.
[0:13:45] Factors that affect your profile as it relates to course selection.
[0:14:30] Why you need four years of everything.
[0:14:53] Pursuing progressively more rigorous curriculum.
[0:16:25] The role of extracurriculars, why it’s important, and how to choose them.
[0:17:23] Why ten activities over the course of four years.
[0:19:07] Why a light extracurricular schedule won’t fly at highly selective admission.
[0:19:48] The importance of finding the right calibration for your child.
[0:20:00] We talk about fit and all the possible options for college.
[0:22:00] Thinking about financial (aid) options as part of the college journey.
[0:22:30] Why it’s important to educate yourself on the scope of options.
[0:23:23] Why you need to go get a FISKE guide.
[0:24:19] Start college visits early.
[0:24:45] Some resources we recommend.
[0:25:00] Take heart and recognize there are thousands of great options out there!
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Noviance
Maia Learning
Scoir 
Course Selection Episode
Extracurriculars Episode
FISKE Guide 2024
Corsava
Colleges That Change Lives
CTCL College Fairs
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram

The Secret to Being an A+ Student

How often do you find yourself thinking of ways to help your teenager get organized, keep their space clean, and have better time management? Cathy Chen and Meredith Herrera are here to offer five key strategies that all teens should use and how you can help them do it. Despite feeling seemingly obvious to adults it is important to emphasize why being organized matters, and Cathy and Meredith give some tips on how to help teens see and understand this. You will hear about all the important times of the day for teens and how to best maximize organization in these times. From using a google calendar, creating a good routine, the importance of consistency, making time real, and buying the real-deal alarm clock, this episode covers it all!
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:01:13] An introduction to the topic; organization and time management.
[0:02:10] Why organization matters.
[0:02:31] Routines; what they are, why they matter, and the dos and don'ts.
[0:03:15] Effective morning, after-school, evening, and bedtime routines.
[0:05:30] Reflecting on a good morning routine.
[0:06:29] How to manage your ‘I just got home from school’ time.
[0:09:40] The importance of keeping track of time and using timers.
[0:12:07] How to define an evening routine and how it links to consistency.
[0:13:25] How to create an effective bedtime (wind down) routine.
[0:16:12] A google calendar; why Cathy and Meredith swear by it.
[0:19:50] Things that belong on a calendar.
[0:21:25] How to time block and efficiently manage time.
[0:23:16] The to-do list and how to tackle it.
[0:28:34] Why you should do the hardest thing first.
[0:30:13] How Cathy and Meredith manage the resistance from teens they coach.
[0:31:20] The importance of the space a teen works in.
[0:33:45] How to manage your own bias with how organization looks.
[0:35:44] Why you need to limit your distractions.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram

Is Private School or Public School Better?

Choosing a school for your child can be an incredibly challenging decision to make. One of the top questions we receive is whether or not we would send our own children to the schools we have worked at. We spend today’s episode unpacking the considerations we deem most important when searching for the right fit for your child and how to tackle this weighty decision. We share some of the lessons we’ve learned from our professional experiences, and anchor our conversation in the guiding question of what you value most. Tune in to hear our thoughts on how to get the right support for your child’s development based on who you want to see them become. Thanks for listening! 
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:02:12] Today’s topic: the frequently asked question of whether public or private schools are better.
[0:04:28] What the conversation ultimately comes down to: values.
[0:05:59] A developmental perspective on public versus private. 
[0:06:59] Questions to ask yourself to determine which option is best for your child’s education.
[0:09:16] Differences between the public and private settings.
[0:10:05] Support and accommodations at public versus private schools.
[0:14:00] Social considerations for public and private education.
[0:14:39] The implications of private school hand-holding in tertiary education.
[0:16:30] A powerful question for any parent to answer.
[0:16:55] Acknowledge that we are using a binary of public and private to talk about the full spectrum of schools.
[0:18:44] Trusting in your child’s resilience.
[0:22:58] Considering the financial aid route in private schooling.
[0:27:20] Meredith answers the question of whether she would consider sending her child to one of the schools she has worked at.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram